25 May 2006
A Short History of Dust
Year 1: The vacuum cleaner doesn’t reach all the corners, especially under the couch. Year 10: The dust clumps grow at an alarming rate we cannot suppress. Year 100: The first stirrings of consciousness snake through the dust clumps like puffy networks. Year 1,000: Psychics channel the thoughts of the dust clumps. Year 10,000: We name the clumps after various species of rabbit. Year 100,000: The clumps migrate to remote locations in the Australian outback where they build shelters and provide for their offspring. Year 1,000,000: We visit the clumps. We respect their society. We want to emulate their happiness.
Labels: Short history
24 May 2006
A Short History of the Past
Year 1: All our histories are intact. Year -10: Our memories have a few frayed edges. Year -100: Serious decay sets in. We question reports from the frontiers of cognition. Year -1,000: We find it necessary to suppress all our inner voices. The voices leave us and form their own robust society. Year -10,000: We see rock, smoke, rain, and lightning. We prefer to close our eyes. Year -100,000: No one can say how many of us there are. We await the ability to count. Year -1,000,000: We construct a web for the future. We have nothing, but want everything.
Labels: Short history
23 May 2006
A Short History of Smokestacks
Year 1: We burn wood. The smoke stings our eyes. Year 10: We burn coal. The smoke stings our eyes. Year 100: We burn oil. The smoke stings our eyes. Year 1,000: We build a stove to burn stuff in. The smoke stings the sky. Year 10,000: We dig up chunks of the earth and roast them until they melt. Smoke rises. Year 100,000: We put up tall metal and concrete tubes and snake smoke through them. The smoke flowers at the top and spreads out like petals in wind. Year 1,000,000: We burn garbage. The smoke stings our eyes.
Labels: Short history
22 May 2006
The Final (For Now) Short History of Time Travel
Year 1: We find the device will not go in the other direction. We are filled with despair. Year 1: We are resigned to our fate. Year 1: We observe wars and pestilence. Year 1: We collect timepieces at each stop. Year 1: We are greeted as great explorers in a world we stumble upon completely by accident. We meet some of our ancestors. Year 1: We anticipate a not so pleasant final stop at the big bang. Year 1: We find plans for a tachyonic transportation device among the effects of our recently deceased grandfather. We build the device.
Labels: Short history
21 May 2006
Yet Another Short History of Time Travel
Year 1,000,000: We find plans for a tachyonic transportation device among the effects of our recently deceased grandfather. We build the device. Year 1: We anticipate a not so pleasant final stop at the big bang. Year 100,000: We are greeted as great explorers in a world we stumble upon completely by accident. We meet some of our ancestors. Year 10: We collect timepieces at each stop. Year 10,000: We observe wars and pestilence. Year 100: We are resigned to our fate. Year 1,000: We find the device will not go in the other direction. We are filled with despair.
Labels: Short history
20 May 2006
Another Short History of Time Travel
Year 1: We anticipate a not so pleasant final stop at the big bang. Year 10: We collect timepieces at each stop. Year 100: We are resigned to our fate. Year 1,000: We find the device will not go in the other direction. We are filled with despair. Year 10,000: We observe wars and pestilence. Year 100,000: We are greeted as great explorers in a world we stumble upon completely by accident. We meet some of our ancestors. Year 1,000,000: We find plans for a tachyonic transportation device among the effects of our recently deceased grandfather. We build the device.
Labels: Short history
19 May 2006
A Short History of Gardening
Year 1: There is no soil. The world is made of two realms, the yin of water, and the yang of rock. Year 10: Some algae creeps up from the ocean to the rock. Year 100: A few simple creatures follow. Year 1,000: The algae dies and becomes soil for moss, grass, flowers, shrubs, and trees. Year 10,000: Land creatures imitate plants, becoming numerous and varied. Year 100,000: The creatures with the mutated brains discover a peculiar and deep ancestral joy from watching plants grow. Year 1,000,000: They create a thriving market in watering cans, seeds, and bags of soil.
Labels: Short history
18 May 2006
A Short History of Division
Year 1: We stumble onto a knife blade. We are cut and require numerous stitches. Year 0.1: While recovering we watch The Incredible Shrinking Man and are moved to tears by his circumstances. Year 0.01: We buy ice cream and divide it equally among us. Year 0.001: We discover our method of apportioning the ice cream is seriously flawed. Some got less than others. Year 0.0001: We are running out of room in which to think and mull over alternatives. Year 0.00001: The ants loom above us, threatening to divide our bodies into little chewy bits. Year 0.000001: We are fascinated by the concept of proton decay. Year 0.0000001: Unity frightens us. We are all for one.
Labels: Short history
17 May 2006
A Short History of Time Travel
Year 1,000,000: We find plans for a tachyonic transportation device among the effects of our recently deceased grandfather. We build the device. Year 100,000: We are greeted as great explorers in a world we stumble upon completely by accident. We meet some of our ancestors. Year 10,000: We observe wars and pestilence. Year 1,000: We find the device will not go in the other direction. We are filled with despair. Year 100: We are resigned to our fate. Year 10: We collect timepieces at each stop. Year 1: We anticipate a not so pleasant final stop at the big bang.
Labels: Short history
16 May 2006
A Short History of Windows
Year 1: We stitch banana leaves into panes. Installation is relatively easy, but it’s hard to look through. Year 10: We leave our windows unpaned. The breeze is nice. Year 100: Someone invents glass. Year 1,000: We build numerous frames and fill them with sheets of glass. Our alarmists warn of an impending epidemic of cuts. Year 10,000: A baseball crashes through a window. Year 100,000: We sit behind large picture windows and imagine what it might be like to live in the world. Year 1,000,000: The art of graffiti beckons. We spray paint all the windows of the world.
Labels: Short history
15 May 2006
A Short History of Doubt
Year 1: We refuse to believe our eyes. Year 10: We refuse to believe our ears. Year 100: We are, however, pretty comfortable with our noses, fingers, and tongues, though some of us just don’t want to believe anything. We begin producing pamphlets denouncing both science and religion as superstitious claptrap undeserving of our respect. Year 1,000: Skepticism is universally recognized as a sign of health. Year 10,000: We criticize our governments. Year 100,000: We read our history books and do not believe a word. Year 1,000,000: We see every vision. We hear all music. The universe mistrusts our existence.
Labels: Short history
14 May 2006
A Short History of Waves
Year 1: We raise our hands in fear of being eaten by wild beasts. Year 10: The beasts are tamed. They lie down whenever we spread our hands. Year 100: We observe sea water and imitate its motion by undulating our hands. Year 1,000: We sit in vehicles in parades and rock our arms like metronomes. Year 10,000: Arthritis arrives. We hold our hands flat, supported by our other hand. Year 100,000: We meet our ancestors returning from the dead and are too shocked to wave. Year 1,000,000: Our hands curl into permanent fists. We recall the lapping of water.
Labels: Short history
13 May 2006
A Short History of Traffic Jams
Year 1: We are stopped by a herd of sheep. Year 10: We invent public parking. No one finds a free space without offering a substantial bribe to the parking czar. Year 100: We collide with another vehicle. Heated words are exchanged. Year 1,000: We arrive home from our evening commute an hour after we need to leave for our morning commute. Year 10,000: Benevolent worms explain the rudiments of living in one another’s laps. Year 100,000: We abandon our vehicles and pick flowers. Year 1,000,000: Crazy people invent a car. We incarcerate them in a house for the insane.
Labels: Short history
